i wish

that i could tell you that i feel like something has changed. that i could tell you that i like it. that i feel like maybe this is the best thing that ever happened to me because i realized what i lost. that i didnt feel this way. that you were here. that we could go somewhere or not, just spend time. that i could not open up old wounds. that i wasnt afraid. i wish that there was us before i left- or that i never left. i wish that we were able to grow together instead of apart. i wish i didnt have to share you. i wish alot of things. but most of all right now- i wish that i knew where this was going- if it is real- what it is. i dont want to fall again unless i can keep you. because i love you. i dont want to mess this up again

-manderz-

failure

this same feeling of failing. the realization of not having my life go anywhere. sitting in bed, going to work out. sitting in bed. working out. wishing. waiting. hoping. i need something different. im tired of being at home. im tired of waiting for something to happen. im tired of feeling like shit about myself. im tired of feeling ashamed. im tired of being poor. the only lights right now seem to him, and my bif. idk. everything about what they do for me seem to make everything a little better. sigh. thats all i guess

-manderz-

summer nights

i love the nights when you can be outside with your friends and family til 9 oclock because its so beautiful. im so greatful for the wonderful family i have. and i want to apologize for not posting much lately. ive been distracted. i know where my head is, but i dont know how to get it back to a level of explaining what is going on. i do know however, that maybe all of this is for the best. maybe- there was one thing i wasnt supposed to give up that im getting yet another chance at. and i dont want to mess this up.

-manderz-

"the truth is everyone is going to hurt you, you have to decide who is worth the pain"

what would you do?

so tonight we watched 2012 and the best line of the whole thing is the minute we stop fighting for each other, is the minute we lose our humanity. do you agree? do you agree that humanity means fighting for our peers stronger than ourself. fighting to work through something as a civilization. growing and learning together. what if you had one moment, to seize it all, would you?? or would you let it slip away in place of something/ someone you love?

so i propose to you this question- what if tomorrow we were going to die. what would you do? who would you be with? what would be said? where would you go? and most importantly why?

-manderz-

"love is like an earthquake. unpredictable. a little scary. but when the hard part is over you realize how lucky you really are"

i gotta go nd find me

i did it. i did one thing for me and i learned more about me than i would have ever by doing it a different day. i learned i am a home body, and as much as i disagree with my parents the relationship i had with them was better. i learned that i am independent and can take care of me. and more importantly i learned what i deserve, and not to let anything back. and this wasnt what i wanted to write about tonight but it seemed to be more right than how i feel bought him. cuz what is happening there is totally as worth is as me realising that im running free and it feels so good. buttt aaaaah boi does he take my breath away. after years i can still say we are totally great for each other, and despite the question- what the hell are we doing? i dont care. i want this. i want him. and yea i am stubborn. and yea i dont like to hear i cant have what i want, but i have never heard i cant have this. i want this because loving him makes me feel like a better person. i love the person i am when im melted into his arms. i love the person he makes me. he tames this wild mustang. i just ahhhh. =) not much more to say about it. i just smile when i think about it

-manderz-

no quote tonight but ill give you a sweet vid instead

steps

i wish i knew how to let more people help me, because i think i have finally realized what a supportive team i have standing behind me. they arent basking in the glory of being right. they arent pushing me into a decision. they are just supportive. and im a me- doer. i have to do it. my way or the high way, but i wish i wasnt that way. i wish i could let the people who want to help me help me. but such is life i guess.

the last few days i have heard about steps, taking them one at a time. dont try to leap or jump or anything just take it step by step. i dont like steps, but since my way failed, were gonna do it this way. were gonna do things step by step. day by day. and i will be patient. and hopefully less stressed.

i have finally gotten a grasp of the whorl wind of events it seems, and am learning and growing from them. i still feel the disappointment in myself, but i am no longer letting it drive my actions. its simply in the backseat, or even better the trunk. i am driving my life now.

-manderz-

"You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life." Mufasa- Lion King

in an attempt to end epic bordem

i will just write. even though i dont have much to say. i wish i did more today. i wish i could find the modivation to do something. but there is none. i want the summers i had like 6 years ago when all i would do is sit outside all day and play in the sun. those were awesome. as time goes on you grow up, and as you grow up you learn to take your own responsibilities. and i didnt do anything like that. all i did today was sit around wishing i could get out of my parents house. i didnt go anything productive about it. i could have gone and looked for a job. i could have done laundry. i could have done alot of things but all i did all day was sit around. i feel so lazy. i guess ill just have to make tomorrow better. because i do want to move on with my life, i dont want to live in mommy and daddys basement for the rest of my life. im tired of listening to mommy and daddy, and i want to have my own responisbilities. but on to something else

i hate how the fact that i failed is everywhere. everything reminding me that i couldnt do what my heart set on doing. maybe its a modivation to finish what i started. who knows. i think to night i will just get some good sleep and hit tomorrow like it owes me money.

-manderz-

"The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible" Arthur C Clarke

doo da doo

-ish all good-

today was the first good day i have had in a while and despite the 3.5 hours of sleep, massive headache, and hyperextended knee it was productive. i would say that ninety percent of it was because of last night. which was just yay! and the other ten percent is me moving along in this process. last night i learned that there are steps and as pointless or dur dur dur as the steps might seem they must be taken. like when your a kid going up and down the stairs and its all find and dandy til you skip or miss one and then you eat shit. i think i missed a step. i know what i want. im not sure how to get it. but i know i have great people supporting me through this. and i love all of them to death. im sorry if you have needed me lately and i have been absent. i have been dealing with my own shit and it got to be to much to take care of everyone and i feel awful about it. so heres to the future cuz im done living in the past

-manderz-

"im like a puzzle but all of my pieces are jagged, if you can understand this, we can make some magic" -cant be tamed miley cyrus

a quicky

im to tired to post anything of length. but i love how one thing can turn a completely shitty day into increadibly awesome night. i got way more than i deserved. and i feel so much better getting everything i feel off my chest again. anything more than that is ment for me, and those who ask me about it.

-manderz-

"it wasnt over for me, it still isnt over" the notebook

i have no title.

for lack of a better title, i need to get things off my chest and get the smell of this almost incredibly awful day off of me. haircut- great. everything else- shitty. did i try to make the best of it- well shit yes. but now im shaking. with frustration. anger. disappointment. love. caring. confusion. you get the jist. i cant decide what the fuck im feeling. im frustrated with how people are blaming everyone but the one who needs to be blamed for all the shit that happened to me. I AM NOT IN COLLEGE BECAUSE OF ME. I COULDNT GET MY SHIT TOGETHER IN TIME, AND NOW I AM PAYING THE PRICE. i was not poorly influenced because of my friends. i didnt party. ever. i just couldnt pull my shit together and it sucks cuz i want it. there was a plan. and there still is a plan. i will get what i want i just have to do it in a different way. the friends i have now are the greatest in the world. they protect me, and take care of me, and make me a stronger person. they want me to do well, and i guess all of this is just as unsettling as it is to me. im mad. im mad at me for getting in this situation. i should have tried harder. i should have done more to help myself. i should have listened to my parents and i shouldnt have tried to push everything that hurt me away. i should have delt with it. everything has come back to bite me in the ass. and it sucks. im so disappointed in me to. i let myself, and everyone else down. i had a whole team behind me and now they dont know what to think. i dont know what to think. i am madly inlove with the people in my life right now. all of them, and the new ones arent replacing the old ones. the people i have in my life are the ones i need there. i cant do this without you guys. i really cant. i tried to be strong enough to handle this on my own but i cant. i just cant. the fact that everything i had, is gone blows. and i jus need help. and i can see who cares and who doesnt. but i dont understand why some people care and how they are showing it. i just dont understand.

im not this girl. im not the girl that flunks out of college. who has to move out of her parents house because she isnt going back to school. none of this is me. and i dont know why its happening to me. im the girl that respects everyone. and trusts everyone fully, even when they screw her over. im the girl that believes that everyone is good and will go out on the highest skinniest branch to save. im the girl that has a plan, and a future. im the girl that has fun and keeps secrets.

i dont know anymore. im so worn down and just need to think and cry. i need my pieces put back and i need something stable to hold on to while the rest of my world whorls around violently. im tired of being thrown around like a plastic bag in the wind. im tired of having to take each situation as it comes, not dictating the situation. i dont know what to do. cuz nothing i am doing for myself is helping.

and another thing. im sick of pushing people away. i put so much energy trying to walk away from you because the distance, the missing, the wanting, the trusting, the everything was killing me. and it didnt work. as hard as i tried you never let me leave, and i respect you so much for it. i never want to lose you, i really dont. i just wish there was a way i could express to you what i am feeling 100% of the time without feeling like a pain in the ass, or angering you. you are the only person i trust with everything because you have been there longer than anyone else. you know me better than i do somedays. and you just know. there isnt a way to describe it. no one can replace you. ever. i wish you could understand that you hold a place in my heart, that no one else could fill if they tired.

im tired and i have a lot more to say but idk how to say it. idk how to make what im feeling clear. i dont know how to organise the thoughts in my head in a logical manner to convey what i am truely thinking.

-manderz-

"i'll be the teacher and show you the ropes" Jason Derulo

blah blah blah

blahhhhh. i guess is the best way to describe today. not eh, cuz it wasnt whatever. not ahhhh cuz it wasnt bad. not eeeeek cuz it wasnt great. just blahhhh. it was almost an emotionless day. or i guess the only emotion i did feel was irritation. and extreme irritation at that. irritation to the drivers who were driving ten under in the fast lane. irritation to the situation im in. just irritation. and in this irritated mood i realised that i have been living at home for two weeks, and my mom still sees me as a child. someone who cant make decisions for themselves and that the decisions i make are somehow skewed and i will wind up in a shitty place. i may be uneducated but im not a fucking idiot. erg. just reliving this day wants to make me scream with frustration. I guess the good thing was that i totally rocked my interview, however its not a full time position, so i will need to look for more work. i guess i have reached the feeling part of all of what just happened. i have been so numb for so long about this that i havent even been driving anymore. i was simply along for the ride. maybe after i can feel a little grief, and talk everything im feeling out, that then i will be able to take full control of the situation and regain the control of the steering wheel of my life. so much i need to do and say to get passed all this. so much i need to apologize for and make clear. and so much needs to be expressed about what ive learned. i just need time. more than ten minutes. its a process...

-manderz-

"lifes a climb, but the view is great" Miley cryus

i miss my old life

Im watching the Hannah Montana movie on youtube. and i love the movie, but after today, i have realised all i really want is to back about 9 months and completely re-do everything. i wish i didnt give up my best friend, even though that one was for the best. i wish i could have been there when you needed me so you wouldnt be where you are. yes i do blame myself for the shitty place your in and all the jealousy i feel towards the things you do. i wish i didnt give up my family. i risked all of my relationships with them to do what was best for me. and it wasnt even what was best in the end. and most of all, i miss giving up my boyfriend. the best thing that has ever happened to me. over the past nine months, i have done nothing but distroy him. i tried to run, numerous times, convienced myself that he didnt care. but he does. more than anyone. i even went as far as to tell him i dont love him anymore to keep running from all the things that hurt me. and why does hannah montana make me think of all the great things i gave up. cuz after he asked me out, me nd bai went and saw hannah montana. would i do this year again- hell yes. would i give up everything again- hell yes. but if i did, i would make more out of the past 9 months. i would do everything different. and would stop running. i dont want to run anymore. i want everyone to know the truth. the one good thing that came out of this year was rener. honest to god life support right there. so heres to the truth- cuz lies are shit. Mike- i still love you. and want to be yours everyday all day. Bailey- we were best friends, but you taught me things that i couldnt have learned from anyone else. thanks for leaving. Mom and Dad- your getting a tattoo dedicated to you on my back. I love you both more than this earth and im sorry that this drove us apart.

-Manderz-

"you can always find your way back home" Miley cyrus

Irene

Finding a friendship like ours is like trying to nail jello to a tree-- impossible.

so i guess i have enough to say tonight for two of these things. and this one is dedicated to you. not because you need to hear what i have to say, but because you are worth a post. despite all odds we became friends, and when i discribe how we met, people just laugh. it wasnt you walked in when everyone else walked out. it was like i walked out and bumped into you. and so far it has been awesome. we have had our fair share of ups and downs. but what good friends haven't. and im here not because i have to be, but because i want to be. i want to be the friend to you, that you were to me. you picked me up when bad things happened. you see right through my bullshit and you know me just as well as mike does. you just dont call me out on my lies, you let me run into the trouble im creating. You listen. and dont judge. You know what i have to say before it leaves my mouth. you have done more for me than you know. and i love you to death. i was explaining to leah the other day that relationship doesnt alway mean romantic. it just means you have a connection with someone that cant be waivered. and the example i used to explain it was with you. i have a relationship with you, your like my little sister, or best friend. I feel a need to protect you, not because you cant look out for yourself or need help, or even want me to, but because you do the same for me. We have our times of vulnerability and weakness, but i have faith that no matter what happens you will be one of those friends that sticks around for a lifetime, and not just in spirit.

Iloveyou

-manderz-

"Sometimes you put up walls, not to keep people out; but to see who cares enough to break through them."

there is no plan

i dont know what is more upsetting about the whole situation, the fact that i couldnt do it, the fact that i let everyone down, the fact that i gave everything up, or the fact that there is no plan. there has always been a plan. this was the plan. but now there is no plan. there is just react. move forward. autopilot. no drive. and maybe thats good. but i cant get passed the fact that the plan is now shot to hell. i mean i can get passed the fact that i let everyone down, its what i do. i let people down. let them expect more from me than im worth and then i let them down. and the fact that i couldnt do it, well thats just pride. i mean i know im good enough for the people around me, but i was proving it to me. and whats that worth anyway. but what i gave up, and not having a plan really. i mean really, just tear me up.

-manderz-

"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts." Arnold Bennet

my crazy life

so ive been busy. seeing as how my last post was in September, i mostly forgot. however, school is over now. not just semester one but semester two as well. semester one ended better than semester two, and its up in the air as to whether i can stay or not because after semester one i was put on academic probation. i guess that fills you in on the last six months or so. Its summer now, and i am enrolled in calculus at red rocks to make up for the credits i lost in the fall. i am stressed, because i dont know if i was able to bull my overall gpa up. i am not done attending CU boulder. I havent accomplished what i wanted to, or what i need to. I feel like there is no option, but i keep hearing that i will figure it out, which is true i guess. Recently, i learned that if i dont plan on attending school in the fall i need to move out, which is ok i guess. there isnt enough room here for me anymore anyways. I just am feeling down cuz i dont know if i can do it. Its a scary. So today, i went job hunting to get the process of looking for an apartment underway, and i got an interview. Lately i cant even believe my luck, and i know i should knock on wood now, but despite how bad things are looking there is always a light i guess.

-manderz-

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today" James Dean