i have no title.

for lack of a better title, i need to get things off my chest and get the smell of this almost incredibly awful day off of me. haircut- great. everything else- shitty. did i try to make the best of it- well shit yes. but now im shaking. with frustration. anger. disappointment. love. caring. confusion. you get the jist. i cant decide what the fuck im feeling. im frustrated with how people are blaming everyone but the one who needs to be blamed for all the shit that happened to me. I AM NOT IN COLLEGE BECAUSE OF ME. I COULDNT GET MY SHIT TOGETHER IN TIME, AND NOW I AM PAYING THE PRICE. i was not poorly influenced because of my friends. i didnt party. ever. i just couldnt pull my shit together and it sucks cuz i want it. there was a plan. and there still is a plan. i will get what i want i just have to do it in a different way. the friends i have now are the greatest in the world. they protect me, and take care of me, and make me a stronger person. they want me to do well, and i guess all of this is just as unsettling as it is to me. im mad. im mad at me for getting in this situation. i should have tried harder. i should have done more to help myself. i should have listened to my parents and i shouldnt have tried to push everything that hurt me away. i should have delt with it. everything has come back to bite me in the ass. and it sucks. im so disappointed in me to. i let myself, and everyone else down. i had a whole team behind me and now they dont know what to think. i dont know what to think. i am madly inlove with the people in my life right now. all of them, and the new ones arent replacing the old ones. the people i have in my life are the ones i need there. i cant do this without you guys. i really cant. i tried to be strong enough to handle this on my own but i cant. i just cant. the fact that everything i had, is gone blows. and i jus need help. and i can see who cares and who doesnt. but i dont understand why some people care and how they are showing it. i just dont understand.

im not this girl. im not the girl that flunks out of college. who has to move out of her parents house because she isnt going back to school. none of this is me. and i dont know why its happening to me. im the girl that respects everyone. and trusts everyone fully, even when they screw her over. im the girl that believes that everyone is good and will go out on the highest skinniest branch to save. im the girl that has a plan, and a future. im the girl that has fun and keeps secrets.

i dont know anymore. im so worn down and just need to think and cry. i need my pieces put back and i need something stable to hold on to while the rest of my world whorls around violently. im tired of being thrown around like a plastic bag in the wind. im tired of having to take each situation as it comes, not dictating the situation. i dont know what to do. cuz nothing i am doing for myself is helping.

and another thing. im sick of pushing people away. i put so much energy trying to walk away from you because the distance, the missing, the wanting, the trusting, the everything was killing me. and it didnt work. as hard as i tried you never let me leave, and i respect you so much for it. i never want to lose you, i really dont. i just wish there was a way i could express to you what i am feeling 100% of the time without feeling like a pain in the ass, or angering you. you are the only person i trust with everything because you have been there longer than anyone else. you know me better than i do somedays. and you just know. there isnt a way to describe it. no one can replace you. ever. i wish you could understand that you hold a place in my heart, that no one else could fill if they tired.

im tired and i have a lot more to say but idk how to say it. idk how to make what im feeling clear. i dont know how to organise the thoughts in my head in a logical manner to convey what i am truely thinking.

-manderz-

"i'll be the teacher and show you the ropes" Jason Derulo