update

So, I realize I havent written hear in way too long, and I dont have time right this moment to do a complete here is my life mind vomit- be for warned it is coming. I have been thinking lately that I need to do more writing for me. As much as I hate writing for me because I feel like such a whinny baby with all my body issues and weight problems, it helps me stay motivated. For now- I am off to my last class of the day, and then I will go home, hit the gym and take a nap- hopefully.

.manderz.

perspective.

lately i have been feeling like I've been missing out on everything because I'm so busy. and thats kinda just who i am. ridged schedules. pro con lists to make any decision. and just very structured. and i usually see that things could be a distraction. but in reality i need to see the distractions so i don't drive myself crazy. i need to see the positives and not the negatives. and i need to focus on what i have instead of what I'm missing out on. because the reality is that i am only missing out on what I'm missing out on is because i am only seeing the negative. and we are heading into my favorite time of year, there is no time like the present to change my mind set. because this is life, its not about the destination, its about getting there. the journey, and so far i have been so focused on the destination i forgot to see how far i have come. how much i have grown. how strong i am getting. and how much i truly believe in myself. hearing your miserable because of yourself is one of the hardest things to hear. having it sink in, and it being understood rips you open. growing from it makes you strong. all i want is to be happy, because i have everything else. i have a strong relationship. i have the motivation for any future i want. i have a support system behind me that could compete with ancient roman structures. and i don't have any reason to be unhappy, aside from the fact that I'm missing out on everything. and that is gonna change. i am no longer gonna mope cuz i don't have anything to do, but be grateful I've got some down time. I'm gonna choose to go out, rather than feel sorry for myself. I'm 21 years old, being a little irresponsible is not gonna distract me enough to take me off track again. i can't live in fear.

.manderz.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery or fear, NOT absence of fear. -Mark Twain.

how much to eat... that is the question.

so if you keep up with me on Facebook... or twitter... but mostly Facebook. you know that i have been getting back into shape. trying to lose all the weight i gained when i went to school. and just in general be a lot healthier. my parents got me a personal trainer to jump start my success and help me get on the right track. great. i love it. best thing in a while. long story short it turns out that i probably don't eat enough and thats how i got fat to begin with... my body taps into its reserves far to often and my body saves everything. ever since i have started back in the gym i have been trying to eat more and healthier cuz i don't want to burn the muscle... i want to burn the fat. but its so incredibly hard. and emotional. i feel like I'm eating way to much and its still not enough. and its not like I'm eating bad stuff all the time, in fact I'm rarely eating anything unhealthy. idk its just frustrating and hard. to eat when your not hungry cuz you don't want to be fat anymore. maybe I'm just crazy its just hard.. and i don't know what to eat to get more protein and what do you do about the chocolate cravings?

.manderz.

friends

what is a friend. what does it mean to be a friend. maybe i have this concept all fucked up in my head but somehow. i always end up on the bottom. it doesn't matter how hard i try, how out of my way i go. how much effort i put in. i always seem to come out the loser and alone. it makes me sad to know that my social circle consists of my boyfriend. all my friends, or at least the ones i know who see me as equal are no where near me. i feel like i always have to be the mother, give advice, fix boo boos, heal hearts. but when i need some encouragement or fixing or healing, there are no one to be found. i feel i confide more in pixels than in people. i feel like i am alone. and that friends are a luxury. i feel like i do all my homework well before its do because it keeps me from thinking about how alone i really am. its not like i don't have contact with people- i work in retail, i talk all day. i see my boyfriend- but i don't want to bug him all the time. so its not like I'm social circle less- its like i have no girlfriends who want to be there. its like they always need something. what if i just want to hang out. or go out. sometimes i don't want to deal with issues i just want to chill. what am i doing wrong? am i being to nice? is that how i get screwed into being a bitch. it doesn't bother me that i have a reputation for being a bitch- its what i am. i don't tolerate bullshit, because i respect myself. but am i forced into being a bitch in situations because I'm doing something wrong with friends?? is that why i have no friends? i just don't get it guess cuz i never thought of myself as unlikeable.

.manderz.

good friends are like stars, you can't always see them, but you know they are there.

new me

is the old me so i guess the old me is back. =) yea i was rappin. but really now im happy. no fake smiles. no hiding. this is real. its me. love it or hate it. i dont care. i dont even need ur respect just know that if i dont have it, i will be a bitch. i am still working on being confident. being back in school has been the best thing ever. and is the biggest confidence booster. i can do whatever i set my mind to. and my relationship is better. even things i didnt think need improvement improved and that makes me smile. ive ended fueds and forgiven people i never thought i could. and i guess thats it. i just needed to get it out, express how good it feels to be back on track.

is considering

1) stop posting?
thoughts.
2)that im the luckiest girl ever.
3) that writing is an excellent outlet, but i dont know if this is the place anymore.

one year later... and never been better. <3

smile

and suddenly, your the reason why i smile.


even though everything is so hectic right now, i know i can look at him and smile. not a fake look im doing it smile, but a real smile that i feel in my heart. the laugh that everyone is so desperate to hear plays in my head, and for a split second i dont care about what all is going on around me. its just me and him. and im happy.

i love you.

.manderz.

"and thats why i smile, its been a while, since everyday and everything have felt this right. and now you turn it all around, and suddenly your all i need, the reason why, i smile."