we are who we are...

i just need to gush i guess... idk. so yesterday, could easily go in the record book as one of the worst days ever. work, then bored, then high school bullshit, and then self doubt, followed by shame. today, stressful as it was, could have gone in the book as one of the best. roses, acceptance, realization, and growth. but something stood out to me, in one of the many conversations of the night. people dont change, they just become more of who they are. i would totally agree with this but would add a disclaimer, in order for a person to know who they are to become more of, they need to get lost. not the kinda lost where someone is there to lead you around, hold your hand, make it better. but the kinda lost where all you have is yourself, and a mirror. and with that, i would say that yes, i am the same person, that i was 6 years ago. yes i have matured etc; but if you were to ask me the same personality defining questions then, as you did today, my answers would have been identical. so where does that leave us? the past is real? we cant run from it? or is it that we learn from the past... something i have always drawn from the lion king without much thought. the past can hurt, but we can learn from it or run from it. is this applicable if we are the same person we were. if we really didnt learn. but we do learn... so something has change. and if its not our personalities? what is it?

to me: i think it was the realization of loss. i was gonna have to learn something from the past so i wouldnt lose the people i care most for.

just food for thought i guess.

manderz

“There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time.”

oh, the places you'll go

tonight and last night have been like the kinda nights where shit just kinda hits you right between the eyes. everything that i lost when i went to school, and everything i gained from being kicked out. i was asked what have i gained from not going to school, my response- the love of my life. what did i give up? a petty selfish dream... which is still reachable. and i definately want to achieve it. but what i realised tonight was that college is supposed to be a time of gain, and thats the college experience i wanted. i wanted to change. become a better person. find who i am. and i cant say i didnt do all that, i just realized it from life not college. and this is completely irrelevent but i cant stop thinking about last night and the things that were said. they make my heart melt, and i think i finally realize i dont need to worry. i have what i want. for as long as i want it.

<3 manderz

challenges make life interesting, overcoming them makes it meaningful.

babe... and bif...

why cant you just get along?? seriously. you two are pretty important to me, and i totally understand both sides of each of it. but why must i feel so in the middle.

babe

your my life. i love you more than anything and your more than my best friend. with you there are no secrets and you can read me like a book. i want to make you happy, and it hurts me when your not. i love when you kiss my head and my nose. they make my heart smile. =) and even the simplist of "dates" are the best nights ever. 7 of my top 10 best nights are with you. we have been through more than our fair share of struggles, but guess what... we are strong enough to get through it.

Bif

your my other part of my life. you always know what i need... and the term bif kinda comes from reading bff as a word when we text. duuhhh. you always crack me up and i can count on you for things. i cant say i love when you kiss my nose and stuff but i love our dates as well. chocolate cakes, and puddle jumpin= my fav. we have had our fair share of events as well, but i believe they have only made us closer.

so guys if u read this... i just dont want my maid of horror and the love of my life to not get along. u guys mean so much to me, i dont want to choose. i love you both. =)

<3 manderz

A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.

holy shit... its december!!!

where did the year go?? like for serious. chirstmas is 24 days away. hot dang. i cant believe last year i was worrying about finals and school stuff. and i still dont miss it. i cant believe 12 months ago i randomly i got my tongue pierced and that my world has come full circle. this year, has been the hardest, best year of my life this far. i have faced, challenged and dealt with more problems than i thought i would. im thankful for the people that have found a way back into my life. you guys are one of the best support systems ever. and for the people who couldnt make it into my life this far, thank you too. you have taught me more than i think you intended. this time of year always makes me count my blessings and truly realize what i have and how great i have it, and this sounds so cheesy and like the end of the year blog, but that totally wasnt the point. i was a realization on my part that 12 months ago i wasnt the person i am right now. i was an insecure teenager afraid of getting hurt, and wanting to defy all odds against her. now, i consider myself a grown woman, with way more confidence and ready to take on the rest of her demons. i know i still have a long ways to go, but who doesnt.

for those of you i hurt, i truly am sorry, and hope someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me. its not in my nature to apologize for something i felt wasnt wrong. it doesnt make sense to me, but i can definately apologize for hurting yall. but that doesnt mean im gonna go kiss ur ass either.

as for right now, im gonna take in and enjoy the best part of the holidays and their spirit with the people closest to me. hot chocolate, iceskating, christmas lights, 16th street, etc.

i love you all.
manderz


Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ~Norman Vincent Peale