...dedication?

so i have known for a while now that things are not what they should be in my life. that i am not doing what i should be, let alone what i want to. however, it doesnt mean that i regret my decision to leave school. to stop fighting. i dont regret that at all, because thats not what happened. i started fighting for something that means more to me. a year later, i may not be where i wanted to be, but thats ok because i have gained so much more than i thought i would. tomorrow i start a new job, and am nervous as hell. i dont know what it will bring, but i learned my lesson. the door is never closed, dont stop looking if your not happy. at some point i will find the job that is perfect for me, that will support me, and my family, or not if i choose that. but more importantly i am strong. i have learned that i can do what i have to, no matter the situation. that i can fight and support and fall and triumph, and i may not be able to do it by myself, i can do it. that no matter where this life takes me i will not fail. and i will not fail because i have an amazing support system. so i know that none of you read this, and if you do, you definately dont let me know but i am gonna write out each of you a thank you...

Babe- your my number one. we have been through sooo much, and that doesnt explain it all. i know i can count on you for everything. and as hard as it is for me to fully express myself, your the easiest person to talk to. you can talk me off the ledge, calm me down, encourage me, fuel my fire, support me. everything. i cant think of a better teammate, and i know that i would have never made it this far without you. <3

mom and dad- you push me til i break and you patch me back up when i do. the best way to discribe it is a love hate relationship, and i know you guys do it so i can reach my full potential. half way isnt an option. ever.

grandma and grandpa- you two are like the pillars that hold my world up. always you are there to believe and encourage and offer insightful opinions. often you act as a buffer between conflicts, but i know i wouldnt be where i am without you.

and the friends that i have are few and far between, not because i dont want them, but because i want to see the good in people. want to help the people that i can, be someone to someone else. and i dont fault any of you anymore than i fault myself for putting me in the few and far between situation. but you guys have given me the drive to do better. help someone aside from myself. you have given me the confidence and power to do so.

so to conclude this, i am a fighter. i always have been. this is a moment of disallusion and will only last as long as i chose. im in control, and im ready to grab life by the horns. i know i can make it though anything life throws at me, because the choices i have made have made me that much stronger.

.manderz.

"i am the person i am today, because of the choices i made yesterday"
"never regret something that once made you smile, because at one point, it was exactly what you wanted"

monthly update. =)

soooo, yes its only the 6th. buttt i also havent posted in a while. not like thats a big surprise. however nothing worth posting about has happened. not until now at least.

i got a new job last week because my hours got cut way back and i am trying to move out so i really need more hours that 4.5. also im really sick of the politics. im really excited and nervous about it, but how bad could hostessing be... right?

and then, some more big changes are happening. like the babe is moving into a house with his friends in a couple weeks. and there have been a zillion emotions associated with that. like excited and scared and left out an everything else. but i have come to terms with that but it took a while.

and finally, since i have been working less the reality of how not many friends i have has been more evident. and with that a zillion more emotions of loneliness and sad came about. it sucks, knowing that you have not many friends left because they either went to school, or moved away, or you have some sort of beef with.

i miss being able to just hang out and not really do anything. i miss having someone to talk to especially about boys. i mean the boyfriend is great, dont get me wrong, but i need girlfriends too. and its not like i dont have them. i just wish i had a best friend per say. someone i could get a place with, without worrying and what not.

.manderz.

"Everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain, but you can't make a rainbow without a little rain."