how much to eat... that is the question.

so if you keep up with me on Facebook... or twitter... but mostly Facebook. you know that i have been getting back into shape. trying to lose all the weight i gained when i went to school. and just in general be a lot healthier. my parents got me a personal trainer to jump start my success and help me get on the right track. great. i love it. best thing in a while. long story short it turns out that i probably don't eat enough and thats how i got fat to begin with... my body taps into its reserves far to often and my body saves everything. ever since i have started back in the gym i have been trying to eat more and healthier cuz i don't want to burn the muscle... i want to burn the fat. but its so incredibly hard. and emotional. i feel like I'm eating way to much and its still not enough. and its not like I'm eating bad stuff all the time, in fact I'm rarely eating anything unhealthy. idk its just frustrating and hard. to eat when your not hungry cuz you don't want to be fat anymore. maybe I'm just crazy its just hard.. and i don't know what to eat to get more protein and what do you do about the chocolate cravings?

.manderz.

friends

what is a friend. what does it mean to be a friend. maybe i have this concept all fucked up in my head but somehow. i always end up on the bottom. it doesn't matter how hard i try, how out of my way i go. how much effort i put in. i always seem to come out the loser and alone. it makes me sad to know that my social circle consists of my boyfriend. all my friends, or at least the ones i know who see me as equal are no where near me. i feel like i always have to be the mother, give advice, fix boo boos, heal hearts. but when i need some encouragement or fixing or healing, there are no one to be found. i feel i confide more in pixels than in people. i feel like i am alone. and that friends are a luxury. i feel like i do all my homework well before its do because it keeps me from thinking about how alone i really am. its not like i don't have contact with people- i work in retail, i talk all day. i see my boyfriend- but i don't want to bug him all the time. so its not like I'm social circle less- its like i have no girlfriends who want to be there. its like they always need something. what if i just want to hang out. or go out. sometimes i don't want to deal with issues i just want to chill. what am i doing wrong? am i being to nice? is that how i get screwed into being a bitch. it doesn't bother me that i have a reputation for being a bitch- its what i am. i don't tolerate bullshit, because i respect myself. but am i forced into being a bitch in situations because I'm doing something wrong with friends?? is that why i have no friends? i just don't get it guess cuz i never thought of myself as unlikeable.

.manderz.

good friends are like stars, you can't always see them, but you know they are there.