so i have finally realised that i am stuck in a rut, i have known this for a while and i figured that i could fight my way out of this one by myself. and i cant. i am stressed out, and on the verge of completely breaking and honestly i have no idea what to do. for the first time in months i have an option, and the option would fix almost everything, but it could create one bigger problem. ive made up my mind on what im going to do, i just wish that problem was avoidable, because what i want i dont know how to ask for. not that i could ask for something anyway, but this is more than that. because i dont know what it is, that makes me feel like we arent a family. ive never felt that. what i want: to be part of a family. i want a brother and parents that support me. but i feel like i have brothers who i have to protect, and parents that dont care what i want, and if its not what they want for me they dont know how to support me. and i should be used to it. i shouldnt let it keep me here, in the environment thats pushing me to the edge, but i feel like im quitting. i cant remember the last time i actually gave up. even if it killed me i always put for my last effort. but i really cant do this anymore. i cant live like this. i feel like i dont even know who i am anymore. i dont know how to have fun, and i dont know how to let go because this has gone on for so long. and i know the one way to fix it is leave. but i dont want my parents to see it as picking him over them. im picking me.
i dont know where i would be if i didnt have the one person who does support me. id probably be way off the edge by now. and thats scary. i rely on him so much for everything. and what if something happens. and maybe i just need to learn to let someone take care of me, but its hard when you havent ever had someone to depend on. i know what i have to do, and i know i can do, especially with him. he is the one. i am going to spend the rest of my life with him. its just something i know. i can feel it. and thinking about the future somehow makes everything more bearable. i dont even know how, but i know that having him i can get through anything. together we are alot stronger than i am by myself. i just hope that someday, somehow me and my parents will be able to work it out
.manderz.
"your only given the life you have, because your strong enough to live it."
